Marry someone else.

So ive been thinking...

i have thought a lot about this so called "if we're not married by 40 we'll marry each other" pact of ours, and i would very much like to pull out of it. As little thought as either of us had put into it at the time, initially it felt nice to have that kind of thing, because who knows what the future will bring, right? But after thinking about it now i actually feel pretty insulted. I can see that u didnt mean to, but you have made me feel pretty bad about myself. This pact to me says that i am only ever going to be good enough for you, only if and when you have exhausted all your other options. I am more than happy to be your friend and help you shop for gifts for your girlfriend. But i want to be the one that someone thinks highly enough of to go to such trouble over getting a gift, or to take to dinner or the movies. I need that from someone who WANTS to do that for me, not just have me on lay by for a time that suits them. I know i complain about being single, but deep down i am happy to wait a life time for that person. i want to feel like i deserve these things for once in my life, rrather than just the person who gets to hear about it from other people, or help other people create that for someone else, you know?

I am NOT some last resort. I know that i am not as physically attractive, next to say, your girlfriend or long black girl or liz, but i am smart, i have a sense of humor, as gruff an exterior as i can put on sometimes, deep down i would do anything for anyone if they asked me to. i come from a decent family who dont rag on other people just because they are not doctors or lawyers, because money does not neccessarily equal success. but in saying that, Im still determined to get somewhere in life. I have lost over 20 kilos because i wanted to feel better about myself. And i did it without complaining or asking anything of anyone. I dont want praise. I just want to be left to i am smart enough to see that some day these will be winning traits, but most of the dickward males around my age do not. Let me just say, because i think that you are still rather caught up in this, whether you realise it or not - "hot" looks and good body/bust size are really and truly not everything.